Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Nothing is out of bounds! To send your questions directly to Joan, email [email protected]
My husband and I are in our late 60s. I still have a strong libido and love having sex at least twice a week. My problem is that these days, I take so long to orgasm. I take bioidentical hormones and we use lubricant, so sex is comfortable. I feel sexy and eager, but I just can’t “bring it home” in a reasonable amount of time. This morning it took an hour!
For a while, we thought our sex life was going to be ruined by my husband’s ED, and we went through a long dry spell. None of the pills ever worked for him. That’s when I learned to masturbate. (I never did before because I’ve been with my husband since I was 17 and he was my only partner.) Then I used the Internet to learn everything I could about ED and was amazed to find out that a man can orgasm without an erection. As far as I’m concerned, that alone made the Internet worth its weight in gold.
We started experimenting and rediscovered our former sex life, with some adjustments. We are very joyful with each other. We use our hands, mouths, kissing, touching. It’s like your basic teenagers in a car without birth control! It just takes me so long….
My husband is wonderful and he always says he doesn’t mind how long it takes me, but I mind. I feel terrible for what I put him through! He wants to get me there and will keep trying for as long as I want to.
We recently discovered a new approach: we enjoy each other sexually without orgasm being the goal. That takes the pressure off. We do everything we enjoy, and if someone has an orgasm that’s fine, but sometimes neither of us does. It still brings us very close to each other and makes us happy.
But when I do want an orgasm, is there anything I can do to speed things up? I tried using a vibrator, but I just didn’t like it, even when my husband tried to use it with me. —Taking Too Long
Good for the two of you for having great sex despite your husband’s erectile dysfunction. So many men and their partners have the mistaken idea that if the penis can’t get hard, sex is over. Far from it! If we stop believing that only a firm penis can give pleasure we open to a whole world of sexy delights. We can be sexually stimulated and brought to orgasm by hands, mouths, genitals rubbing, a vibrator, or a combination of any or all of these. And as you’ve discovered, he doesn’t need an erection to orgasm. A soft penis and its owner are capable of experiencing great pleasure with sensation provided by a partner and/or self-stimulation.
As for your question — ah, how many people in our age group would love to receive sexual pleasure for a whole hour from their partner! Of course, I understand why you feel anxious and can’t believe that your husband is happy focusing on your pleasure for that long. You’re anxious that he’s getting tired or losing interest — and your anxiety slows you down more. It’s a form of performance anxiety.
I went through this myself with my husband Robert at the beginning of our relationship. We met when I was 57 and he was 64, and our sexual connection was exhilarating, exuberant, and downright incredible. (This led me to start writing about senior sex, in fact.) However, I took so darned long to reach orgasm and was sure that he was getting bored, which made me take even longer! I finally voiced my concerns to him. He replied with a loving smile, “I don’t care if it takes three weeks, as long as I can take breaks sometimes to change positions or get something to eat!”
I advise you to do with your husband what I did with Robert — believe him when he says he doesn’t mind at all. I’ll bet that if you relax and stop worrying about taking so long, you’ll reach orgasm faster. And if you don’t, just enjoy the journey.
If you’d still like some tips for speeding things along, try these:
- Exercise before sex. Exercise increases blood flow to your muscles, brain and – yes! – your genitals. Increased blood flow helps make arousal and orgasm faster.
- Start on your own ahead of time. Take time before sex to get yourself aroused through fantasy or your own touch.
I love your newfound sexual enjoyment of each other without goals. You’ve discovered a real key to lifelong sexual delight and intimacy. If more of us embraced that relaxed approach to sex, we’d find more pleasure, not less. Thank you for sharing how you keep sex strong. —Joan
Joan Price is the author of the new “Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50: How to Maintain – or Regain! – a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life”; the award-winning self-help book “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex”; and the sexy memoir, “Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.” Visit Joan’s blog, “Naked at Our Age,” and her Facebook page.
Step 3: The Plateau Phase – Making A Woman Come
In the plateau phase (see diagram above) a woman is highly aroused, both physically and mentally, and she can remain in that state for some time without reaching orgasm unless additional stimulation is applied to take her over into the orgasm phase.
During the plateau phase she may experience a skin flush, deeper breathing and a higher heart rate; certainly her genitals will change color, as her labia become flushed with blood and her vaginal tissues swell.
As mentioned above, with additional stimulation a woman will move from the plateau phase into orgasm.
It’s often the transition from the plateau phase into orgasm which presents most difficulties for a woman when she is trying to have an orgasm. (Read more about difficulties with orgasm for women here.)
Men, when trying to make a woman come, and familiar with the way in which they stimulate their own penis during masturbation, will often apply much more vigorous and rapid stimulation to a woman’s clitoris at this point.
While it’s certainly true there is a point where a woman may need this additional stimulation to reach orgasm, it has to be timed to perfection, otherwise a woman is likely to feel her climax slipping away from her.
Few men know how to make a woman come during intercourse without additional stimulation of her clitoris. But as you can see above, it is possible.
What most women want and need to reach orgasm is rhythmic regular stimulation at the right pressure, until the very last moment, and then some additional pressure or faster stimulation to tip her over the edge.
The climax itself involves a series of contractions of the muscles of the vaginal walls, the uterus, and the pelvic floor muscles. These contract rhythmically at just under one second intervals.
All of these contractions are accompanied by a great sensation of pleasure and, in some women, the emission of a small amount of fluid from the vagina – a sort of female ejaculation, a process captured on video many times, and is a real phenomenon.
The number of contractions a woman experiences when coming generally ranges between three and fifteen, although a few women can experience much more prolonged contractions.
And some women experience their orgasms as a whole body sensation rather than just a pleasurable feeling in their genitals. So there are no rules – and it’s probably safe to say that all women’s experiences of climax are different – both between different women and in the same woman over time.
One thing I have come across many times in my work with couples is the woman wishing that her man could last longer during intercourse before he ejaculates.
This is a real issue, because in my experience, few men really seem to know what to do if they come before their woman would like them to do so. Often men want to last longer in bed but just don’t know how to do so. So, I have a suggestion! Take a look at the website www.massivestayingpower.com This may be helpful for you as a man if you wish to make love for longer before you come.
Step 4 : The Resolution Phase
A woman’s body returns to her pre-aroused state.
This process happens much more slowly in women than men.
Indeed, women can often have another orgasm soon after their first; which is distinctly different to men, who have a refractory period, during which it is impossible for them to become sexually aroused again.
This is the kind of information that a man trying to make a woman come needs to know – for example, it is often a better idea for him to give her an orgasm before entering her and enjoying his own orgasm.
Why do men want to sleep after orgasm and women to cuddle?
It’s down to the hormones we produce – after she’s had an orgasm during sex a woman is much more likely to want a period of cuddling and interaction; after his orgasm, a man is likely to want to sleep.
1. Get Her Juices Flowing, Long Before You Get Down To The Action
The most important word at this stage. properseduction.tumblr.com
Have you ever been close to cumming just from fantasizing? It happens to men occasionally, especially when we haven’t been fucked in a while. It happened all the time just after puberty, and like many other men I still sometimes have wet dreams.
If it’s happened to you, you know the role the mind plays in getting you off. For women, the mind is even more important. It’s the mind that gets her wet, and convinces her you’re going to make her orgasm. It’s why girls continue having casual sex, even after countless disappointments. Even if a man can’t do it for her, she can get close in her mind.
For this reason, you need to start early. Obviously, how you go about it depends on your relationship with her. If you’re seeing a girl for the first time, you need to use some powerful seduction techniques, like the ones my buddy Chris teachers at The Manic Workshops.
Try the following:
- Appear badass confident. Confidence is a major turn on for girls. They don’t want to know about your insecurities from the get-go. A guy who believes in his ability on how to pleasure them is way more likely to actually pleasure them.
- Make eye contact. There’s a fine line here between flirty and creepy. Don’t make eye contact for too long. Simply glance in her direction and make it clear that your eyes are on her, not her friends. Show you’re attracted to her, but try not to look overly sleazy. The key is to get to her pussy through her eyes, so make sure you look I guarantee you that a powerful look along with a suggestive smile can make her panties wet in no time. I’m a true believer in the power of the mind.
- Compliment her. Don’t just the her “you’re beautiful,” like every other guy who’s tried to pick her up. If you do tell her that, tell her exactly why. Check out what I would tell her here, but proceed with care.
- Drop some hints that imply you’d love to get her in bed. Don’t be overzealous with this. Don’t say anything that will make her uncomfortable or think of you as creepy.
If you’re already in a relationship and want to get your girlfriend or wife to cum, you have many more options to get her going during the day.
Try the following:
- Send her suggestive texts during the day. You don’t have to be subtle, since she’s already with you. But subtlety can be more of a turn on than brazen statements of intent. Tell her you’re thinking of her body, that you have some fun ideas you want to try, or simply that you’re longing to kiss her.
- In the ideal situation, she’ll take this further, picking up on your hints and asking you to elaborate. This is when you can get into details. You can truly electrify her work day like this.
- If you know she’s comfortable with it, suggest watching some porn you can both enjoy to get her into the mood. Of course, it matters that you’re comfortable with it as well, and won’t become insecure because of the unrealistic standards set by pornstars, like the insane amount of cum they can offload.
3. Stimulate The Clitoris With Your Tongue… And I Guarantee Her Pussy Juice Will Run Down Your Chin
Yes, you are on the right track. cunnilingusfrombehind.tumblr.com
Hopefully, you’re able to find the clitoris without much trouble. If you still haven’t mastered female anatomy, read up on it here. It is critical to pleasing a woman, as there is no more sensitive and pleasurable point in her entire body. That’s why a 3D model of the clitoris is already being brought into schools in some parts of the world!
The clitoris contains 8,000 nerve endings. It is the most direct route to a female orgasm, and you need to master the art of stimulating it if you want to consistently make your girlfriend cum.
As author Dossie Easton says, “the existence of my clitoris is proof positive that God loves me.”
But locating the clitoris is just the first step. Because it is so insanely sensitive, it has the potential to cause a girl a lot of pain as well. If you go in guns blazing, you’re as likely to chase her away as you are to keep her coming – and coming back for more.
It is a good idea to start with your fingers, gently touching her clitoris, to get an idea of its shape and size, and to gauge how sensitive it is. You can bring a girl to orgasm just with your fingers. Many girls masturbate with nothing more, after all. I love doing it when going further isn’t a possibility. Like in public, in a cinema, or even a restaurant if I feel like taking risks.
The truth is, however, that your tongue is the ultimate tool on how to make her cum.
You need to do what it takes to learn to lick pussy. We have articles about both the basics and some advanced techniques. For now, let’s suffice it to say that only fools rush in. You absolutely must take it slow.
You must absolutely ask her what’s working for her and what’s not. We always complain about how hard it is to know what girls want. But in this department, in the heat of the moment, they’ll tell you exactly what they need from you. They won’t want to play games, but to get you to do what it takes to bring them the ultimate pleasure.
Cunnilingus is the most reliable route to orgasm for 80% of women. Give this area of your arsenal the attention it deserves. This way, no matter how long you last, no matter what your size, you will be giving her all the pleasure she can imagine.
“Find the thing that works for your girl, and keep doing it…repeatedly…until she comes. If you want her to come back time and again, don’t stop until she’s screaming for more” – Anonymous Female Reader
5. Switch It Up By Fucking Her Up The Ass
Women who have anal sex are more likely to reach orgasm than those who only have vaginal sex. That’s a crazy statistic, and there are varying opinions as to why this is true. Correlation does not necessarily mean causation, and it could be that girls who reach orgasm more easily are also more adventurous.
Either way, if the girl you’re with is ready to try anal, this could be your route to bringing her to orgasm while actually fucking her. You’ll love it as much as she does. As Johnny Drama says, “The vagina’s my third favorite hole, bro.”
Broach the subject carefully, and only after doing your research. Anal sex hurts more than vaginal sex, which is just one reason many girls don’t want to try it. It’s not something you should suggest to just any girl. Ask your girlfriend or wife, but don’t ask a girl who has shown no desire to try anything more out there than vaginal sex.
That said, if you do sense that a girl will be into it, bring it up. If she says yes, great. If she says no, go about pleasing her in any of the other ways we’ve discussed.
I’ve made some girls uncomfortable by asking. But usually, just asking the question isn’t hurting anyone. Some girls are prudish about what they will and won’t do, but most are happy to tell you if you ask them.
- Make her squirt by stimulating the so-called G-Spot. This is the sensitive area on the roof of the vagina, which feels rough to the touch. It is about the size of a penny, and feels like the skin of a kiwi fruit. Some women squirt more than others, so do not put too much stock in the volume of her ejaculate.
- Dirty talk throughout foreplay and sex is a great way to keep her turned on and into it. If you’re not yet getting her to orgasm, this will keep her focused until you do succeed.
- If you’re worried you won’t last long enough, these above techniques will ensure you please her anyway. But for your own sake, there are ways to learn to last longer. Do the research and practice.